I don’t know if at one time or another everyone passes through such a phase but I certainly am right in the middle of it. Its the phase where it seems that all my emotions have become dead. Nothing seems to excite me. Neither good nor bad. As if I am waiting for something else and whatever happens other than that doesn’t bother me anymore.
I mean,my life isn’t going the way I wanted it. I am 22. I am in the last semester of engineering and I don’t have a job. I am single and have very few friends. Neither am I the popular guy either. This gotta and should have some effect on me. But Nothing. Just Nothing. And on top of that, on some ways I am even proud of these little problems of mine. Why?
The feeling is so complex that I can’t really explain it (probably because I myself haven’t been able to comprehend it either). Its like I am surrounded in this shell where my feelings don’t exist. The happiness, the rejections, the excitement, the insecurities, they don’t matter to me anymore. As if I don’t matter to ME anymore.
Okay, I am not saying that I don’t have those occasional enjoyments, but on a broader level they don’t seem to register on me anymore. They are just things I have to compulsorily do in order to make myself remotely social at least. But that inner joy seems to be lacking. And I wonder what it would take to get it back.
And I might not have have been so alarmed at this weird stage, had the joys been the only thing missing. But the sadness isn’t there too. Now, one might wonder why I need the sadness. But sadness is the reason we understand the serenity of happiness. The austerity of happiness. And that is why I think I need to start experiencing sadness first.
It isn’t like I live this utopian life where sadness doesn’t exist or anything. The recent events in my life are more than enough to make someone sad. But not me.
I thought watching myself getting rejected and other people getting jobs would make me sad, but it didn’t (5 job rejections, no matter what the reason, a proof of that). I thought that maybe watching other people falling in love and finding that special someone would make me sad, but it didn’t. I thought watching others enjoying socially would make me sad, but it didn’t.
And this has brought me back to the big question. When will I be able to get back those feelings. Those wonderful feelings. And the best answer I get from within me is that maybe I need a change. A change of events. A change of perspectives. A change of objectives. To feel myself important again. To feel the zeal, the heartbreak, the excitement, the pain. And to actually feel ALIVE.