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Perplexing Indeed!


I don’t know if at one time or another everyone passes through such a phase but I certainly am right in the middle of it. Its the phase where it seems that all my emotions have become dead. Nothing seems to excite me. Neither good nor bad. As if I am waiting for something else and whatever happens other than that doesn’t bother me anymore.

I mean,my life isn’t going the way I wanted it. I am 22. I am in the last semester of engineering and I don’t have a job. I am single and have very few friends. Neither am I the popular guy either. This gotta and should have some effect on me. But Nothing. Just Nothing. And on top of that, on some ways I am even proud of these little problems of mine. Why?

The feeling is so complex that I can’t really explain it (probably because I myself haven’t been able to comprehend it either). Its like I am surrounded in this shell where my feelings don’t exist. The happiness, the rejections, the excitement, the insecurities, they don’t matter to me anymore. As if I don’t matter to ME anymore.

Okay, I am not saying that I don’t have those occasional enjoyments, but on a broader level they don’t seem to register on me anymore. They are just things I have to compulsorily do in order to make myself remotely social at least. But that inner joy seems to be lacking. And I wonder what it would take to get it back.

And I might not have have been so alarmed at this weird stage, had the joys been the only thing missing. But the sadness isn’t there too. Now, one might wonder why I need the sadness. But sadness is the reason we understand the serenity of happiness. The austerity of happiness. And that is why I think I need to start experiencing sadness first.

It isn’t like I live this utopian life where sadness doesn’t exist or anything. The recent events in my life are more than enough to make someone sad. But not me.

I thought watching myself getting rejected and other people getting jobs would make me sad, but it didn’t (5 job rejections, no matter what the reason, a proof of that). I thought that maybe watching other people falling in love and finding that special someone would make me sad, but it didn’t. I thought watching others enjoying socially would make me sad, but it didn’t.

And this has brought me back to the big question. When will I be able to get back those feelings. Those wonderful feelings. And the best answer I get from within me is that maybe I need a change. A change of events. A change of perspectives. A change of objectives. To feel myself important again. To feel the zeal, the heartbreak, the excitement, the pain. And to actually feel ALIVE.

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About Epizeuxis

Blogger , Guitarist , Altruist , Athlete, Sophist ... these all describe me... But what all these symbolize is my desire to be able do all the things which life has to offer and constantly grow as an individual...

Discussion

10 thoughts on “Perplexing Indeed!

  1. felt as if I’m reading a post similar to my life…I understand what it feels like…”jobless, single and in the last semester”…whole post fits me too…

    except that I’m 21years… 😛
    anyways…all the best… 🙂

    Posted by Cynosure | January 4, 2012, 2:04 pm
  2. I think if this continues, Epizeuxis, you should maybe see your doctor. It may simply be depression and a course of pills could make all the difference in the world and sort it out before it gets serious. Thinking of and praying for you. Wishing you health, happiness and love for the new year and beyond.

    Posted by adeeyoyo | January 4, 2012, 3:57 pm
  3. You are approaching a time of change and uncertainty. Until now, you have known school most of your life. It is a routine, and that is about to change; but you haven’t quite found your purpose in all this. When you find that, and get your feet solidly on the ground beneath you, life will take off.

    Posted by pattisj | January 4, 2012, 11:21 pm
  4. You’ve been through quite a lot – just getting through engineering school, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Praying that both joy and sadness return to you, and for all the right reasons.

    Posted by Bongo | January 5, 2012, 1:47 am
  5. “make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”
    ― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

    Posted by Apoyando's Strike (@_Apoyando) | January 5, 2012, 5:10 pm
  6. The answer will present itself, my friend. Sooner or later.

    Posted by The Hook | January 6, 2012, 2:20 am
  7. I agree with Hook up there!

    Posted by eva626 | January 11, 2012, 3:10 am
  8. I think it’s very true that the answer will indeed present itself. Most people, including myself, tend to go through such periods in life when we are rounding a critical corner in life, or cresting a hill that was supposed to bring about clarity, only to find more confusion on the other side.
    These moments can include leaving home, graduating, death of loved ones, marriage, children, etc.
    I think that these “big moments” in life disappoint because we expected them to either fill a void or create a void which would in turn bring about a better understanding of the void itself.
    In the end, the void remains as perplexing as before.
    I suspect that we were created with an inherent void, or need, that cannot be altered, for good or bad, by any physical or mental achievement or loss. This void is the need for our ever elusive God.

    Of course, one time I was experiencing a moment similar to yours and my school counselor was able to determine that my liver had been temporarily damaged by a case of Mono, and this was causing an upset in the regulation of my body’s hormonal balance. Ha ha!

    Anyway, I’m certainly not pretending to be a philosopher here… Just some thoughts.

    Posted by dinkerson | January 12, 2012, 8:56 pm

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About Epizeuxis

An Infrequent blogger, amateur guitarist , Altruist and a Sophist with a desire to be able do all the things which life has to offer and constantly grow as an individual.

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